Here it is after midnight when I have to be up and motivated to learn something...learn anything..... in six short hours..... So why am I still up? I wish the answer were simple, like Jackson is awake, or I am watching a six hour Halloween Michael Myers movie extravaganza..... But Jackson is not awake and my television isn't even turned on. My brain on the other hand seems to be broadcasting several channels tonight.
It is one of those nights where I swear my mind itself just may have multi personalities.... one thought battling the other for my attention. Some of these thoughts are idle..... like oh my gosh I didn't put the clothes in the dryer ( OK this really could be a prob because I think my clothes for tomorrow are down there) and some thoughts range to not so idle things like " Am I doing whats best for my boys by having such demands on my time".
Time is something I have thought about alot lately. It is something that none of us are promised and yet it is one of the biggest things taken for granted. Two times this year when faced with what medical professionals would call a routine cardiac procedure( but I say anything invasive is not routine for me) I sat and seriously thought about what have I done with my time, have I made the right decisions, would my boys know their mother if one day I were gone. These thoughts creep in like a ghost in the darkness and yet even when we know they may be unfounded we give these thoughts our full attention.
So tonight after receiving a phone call I had prayed I would never get again, I am sitting and thinking how unlucky can I really get..... Lets be honest a Heart Cath is really not that big of a deal ( OK maybe I am trying to talk myself down here) they do them everyday, several a day, with great outcomes for the most part. I myself have had two in less then a year, and I know how routine they are to the doctors and staff(that I am thankful for), but I also know the fear I feel every time, and how no matter how many times I have them done nothing seems routine about it. I unfortunately know the risks associated, they aren't just words to me, I get the serious implications and possible happenings. But as one of my Professors told me.... "don't be a baby, your too young, get it fixed." If only they could figure it out and fix it this time....
So I am throwing out a question into the great void..... Knowing that no one is promised tomorrow.... That even yet this hour our lives could be forever changed..... That time and death do not discriminate....
Has your time been more than just routine???
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